


Not Given Lightly

by tinx_r



Category: Riptide (TV)
Genre: Angst, First Time, M/M, turning 40
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-03
Updated: 2018-10-03
Packaged: 2019-07-24 13:40:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,982
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16176224
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tinx_r/pseuds/tinx_r
Summary: I'm heading for forty, Nick. I just don't think it's gonna happen for me.





	Not Given Lightly

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt: Forbearance (Small Fandom Flash challenge 231)

"I'm heading for forty, Nick. I just don't think it's gonna happen for me." Not a new thought -- it'd been swimming around in my mind since the day Janet left me, truth be told -- but the first time I'd voiced it to Nick, anyway. 

"Not this again." Nick frowned, sighed, patted my arm. "C'mon, man, you say that every time you get dumped, you know?"

I frowned at my beer, then him. "Do not."

"Sure you do. And then Murray tries to make you feel better with singles parties, or the new girl at the post office, or that one time when he accidentally set you up with a working girl."

"It was an honest mistake," Murray cut in. "How was I supposed to know?"

Nick's eye roll was nearly audible and I put my palm to my forehead. Murray's such a fixer, he always wants everyone around him to be happy. But I still didn't remember giving voice to my doubts about true love before.

"Anyway, I didn't get dumped," I protested, belatedly realizing what else Nick had said. "We weren't even dating. I just helped her out with a couple of assignments."

"You sure did, pal. You're all heart." If Nick rolled his eyes any harder he was gonna give himself whiplash. Asshole.

"Look, she's a friend of the family. I had to look out for her. You know what my mom's like."

"Yeah, we know exactly what your mom's like." Nick took the beer out of my hand and pulled me upright. "C'mon, guy. You'n me are gonna go walk down the beach, okay?"

"Why?" I swayed more than a little, but luckily my partner had his arm around me already. "Nick?"

"Because when you divide one hot dog by two six packs, you get Cody Allen spewing his ring on the rug at midnight, you know?" Nick patted my shoulder and steered me toward the pier, despite my mumbled "Do not!"

"Do too," he said affectionately, and Murray's laughter followed us as we headed for the sand.

Turned out, Nick was right. But it was a warm night, and after I'd emptied my gut, we swam around for a while in the shallows. Horseplay and stupidity, two things we're good at. Then he walked me home with his arm around my shoulders, dried me off and tipped me into bed.

The next day dawned clear and blue, as fall often is here. I like it. Even when my head's pounding and my mouth tastes like something died in it.

Nick was amused and slightly sympathetic, which I guess was more than I deserved. He made me eggs and bacon, laughed when I turned green, then fed me alka-seltzer until I could stomach breakfast.

I hate him, and I told him so.

He laughed again, and hauled me out to catch some rays. I wanted to go back to bed, but he wouldn't let me. I hid behind my shades and ended up napping on the fantail, and only woke up to Nick rubbing sunscreen on my neck.

"Humpf," I said, and raised my head. The boat didn't spin, and my stomach didn't flip.

"Better?" Nick asked. 

"Yeah," I agreed, and rolled over. "Thanks."

He rested a hand on my belly, and his eyes were serious. "So what you were bitching about last night, you know. How you're forty and it's not happening for you. I dunno if that was just the beer talking, guy, but if that's what you want, you know, you gotta make it happen. You know?"

I snorted. "Doncha think I would if I could, pal?"

"No," he said, and shook his head when I protested. "Shut up, Cody. You just got done trying to date a college sophomore. Don't even tell me it was a favor to your mom, because I know you better than that. A month or so back it was that nurse, who was maybe twenty-five."

"Twenty-seven."

"Uh-huh. An' what's she gonna do with a Vietnam vet who's seen more than she knows how to imagine? You know?"

I licked my lips and looked away, because that had crossed my mind too, right after I asked her out. "Like you did so great with Peggy."

He winced, and I felt like crap. Because he'd loved her, and Liz hadn't even been a blip on my radar. 

"At least," he said, "Peggy was thirty-six." He hesitated. "I guess the other thing is, being single isn't keeping me up nights, you know? But these chicks go, and you're drowning your sorrows like they're the love of your life. I don't think it's fun for you, and it sure ain't fun for me watching it, you know?"

This had turned deep fast and I wasn't ready for it, especially not still tender from the night before, flat on my back, my best friend staring down at me with that look he keeps for me alone. I would've run, but I hadn't even tried standing yet, so instead I covered my face with my hands. "Not now," I said through clenched teeth, which had a fifty-fifty chance of flying.

He stood up and moved away. "Have it your way, big guy. Listen, I'm gonna go on over to the Mimi. There's some maintenance I been putting off."

I sat up as he vaulted over the side. "Nick," I said, but he didn't look back, just swung up the companionway and headed off down the pier. 

I groaned and rubbed my forehead, not really sure why he was pissed at me. Yeah, I'd weaseled on the heavy stuff, but he'd been my roomie over a decade. It wasn't the first time. 

Or maybe he was kinda hurt. I stood up, examining that from all sides. It could fit. He'd taken care of me all morning and half the night, and maybe he figured I owed him something.

Bastard.

Because I did (my life, my reason, half the cash I put down to buy the Riptide, and that's just getting started) I took a shower, put on my old jeans, and followed him. Only I took the Jimmy, because I still felt like crap.

Nick had his overalls on and a wrench in his hands, but the old ship wasn't even in pieces. That and the fact he hadn't been bitching for a month about whatever parts she needed and how I was gonna have to do my share meant the "maintenance" was a load of crap. I never thought anything else.

But I got out of the Jimmy and said "Want a hand?" 

Nick looked at me appraisingly then handed me the wrench. I smiled at him then put my shades back on, and he grinned and gripped my elbow.

Things were okay in our world. 

*

Nick's words stuck with me over the next few weeks. Made me skip a lot of dates - Mama Jo's newest recruit, Straightaway's latest hire. Even the young school teacher we'd met during a case who let me know in no uncertain terms she was interested.

But he was right, even if he was a bastard. Those girls could'a been fun for a night, or even a month of nights, but that was it. 

Nothing serious. Nothing long-term. And wasn't that what I'd said I wanted?

Yup. My picket fence, my beautiful wife. Kids, a family sedan. All planned out in 1971, and I'd even gone ahead and cast the leading lady. Only she didn't like my script.

One day I oughtta thank her for that, because you know what? It stunk.

Say I found a serious girl. Say Janet followed through and dumped London, came to King Harbor. Then what? Was I supposed to kick Nick and Murray off the boat and set up house?

Yeah, I don't figure any leading lady's gonna take to the Riptide. So I find a lady, next thing I'm stuck in the suburbs, pushing a mower and trying out for the P.T.A.

Maybe I was nearly forty, but I wasn't old enough for that life. You want it straight, if I had to leave this boat, I'd sooner go back to the army. 

That shook me. It really did. All these years I'd been waiting for my perfect match, waiting for "real life" to start, and turned out I couldn't stomach the thought of it.

And Nick, as usual, had seen right through me.

We were on the beach on a warm spring afternoon, and I'd just cooled the ardor of co-ed number three from out-of-state, and turned over to even out my tan, when Nick dropped a handful of ice from our cooler in the middle of my back.

Bastard was lucky I didn't deck him, right then.

He jumped up, at bay, when he saw the look on my face. "Take it easy," he said, half concerned, half amused. "I just figured you weren't having a good time and maybe we should just go back to the boat, huh?"

I circled, eying him consideringly. He was gonna pay, and he knew it. "And you didn't think of maybe asking me?"

"Wanted to get your attention."

"Well, you got it." I glared, stopped circling, and picked up my towel, because yeah, I wanted to go home. It was a sweet, warm feeling in my chest that he'd noticed, but that wouldn't let him off the hook. I turned for the boat, leaving him to fetch the cooler.

Back on the Riptide, I went out on deck and laid out my towel. I was tanning, dammit. For no-one that mattered, but that was no-one's business anyhow.

"Hey," said Nick, and sat down beside me. This time, when he pressed a cold can to the small of my back, he had the presence of mind to grab my shoulder so I couldn't deck him.

Asshole.

I could'a unloaded on him, started a fight, called him names. I could'a laughed. I could'a busted out crying, too, and that sorta scared me. That isn't a place I go, most often.

"Cut me some slack," I growled, instead, and he put the can down.

"You okay? You seem kinda tense, you know?" His warm hand soothed my back where the chill had been, followed by tanning oil spread smoothly over my shoulders. "What I said about those girls, I didn't mean you had to turn into a nun, you know? I mean, you go on and have a good time, pal, and just forget what I said."

_Except it's not a good time, and that's exactly what you told me._ I closed my eyes, sighed, lifted into his touch. He's the one thing I got to rely on and I think he knows that, even though I'd never told him out loud. 

"Listen, tonight at Straightaway's, why don't I stay home, huh? I don't wanna cramp your style, you know?"

"Shit," I said, and sat up. He drew back as I did, looking wary, maybe wondering if I was gonna punch him this time. But nothing was further from my mind. See, I don't mind going out for a drink. I don't mind taking a lady dancing, out for dinner, a walk on the beach. It's kinda fun, and sometimes it even comes with a happy ending.

Drawback is, I'm kinda jumpy in crowds, in strange places, especially after a few drinks. Dumb bastard really should get that, because it's the same for him.

"Nick, if you're staying home, so am I," was what I said, and rubbed both hands across my face, over my eyes. 

I spent most of the evening wishing we would have stayed home. Nick was on a mission, and when he turns on the charm, you better believe the ladies in range are gonna sit up and take notice. 

Bastard.

So there we were, me and Murray, surrounded by a half-dozen chicks all angling on getting close to Nick, while he danced with them one-by-one and then "introduced" them to his "wingmen".

This wingman was finished after Barbara the ballet dancer, even though she was an improvement on Cynthia the signwriter. Murray, meanwhile, was deep in conversation with Angelique the advertising assistant, and Nick was buying drinks for Diana and Deana, twins from Delaware.

Like the alliteration? I made it up. I had no idea what those girls did for a living, or where they were from. In fact, I was even kinda hazy on the names. By eight, I'd farewelled Barbara and slipped out of the place, well tired of company for the evening.

Including my own, as it happened. I walked on the beach for a half-hour, kicked some sand, moped at the moon. Went home to my empty, lonely boat. 

No wife aboard. No woman on the horizon. No master save myself, my future my own.

I went below and changed into shorts, was contemplating a beer on the fantail when the boat rocked, and I knew I was no longer alone.

Quick, hurried steps across the salon and down the aft stairs meant Nick, looking for me. With a sigh, I pulled a second beer from the fridge and went up to the salon. "I'm here, pal."

"Cody!" Nick bounded back up the stairs, breathless. "When I realized you weren't at Straightaway’s - I wish you'd told me you were going, man. You know?"

I handed him the beer. He took it with a nod but no smile. Not yet.

I popped the cap on my own, and muttered "Sorry." I was, too, because I hadn't figured he'd freak out at my absence. Stupid, because I know how it feels, to look around for your partner and he's gone - there's no cure for that, no way to push through. None I've ever found, anyhow. "Really. I didn't think -- it was Straightaway's, so I figured…"

"I know." Nick breathed deep, popped his own beer and took a gulp. "I know, but I thought you were there, and then you weren't, and -- you know?"

"I know," I agreed, and sat down on the bench seat. "I just wasn't in the mood."

"Figured," he said, sounding a little more relaxed, and sat beside me. "I thought you and Barbara were really hitting it off."

I thought back to the bar. Yeah, I'd talked to her for twenty minutes, bought her a drink, danced with her twice. She was pretty, her tits were nice, and she had a cute way of shaking her hips that woulda been sweet, horizontal.

"I'm scared," I said flatly, staring at nothing and sucking on my beer. "I wanna wife, that's what I said. But I don't wanna give up the boat. If I had to do that, I might as well go back to the army."

"Ah, man." Nick reached out, rested a hand between my shoulder blades, and I leaned forward, elbows on my knees. "I wondered if it was something like that, you know? But Cody, you know, if she gets you, if she -- if she loves you, you know she'll understand."

"Maybe," I agreed, closing my eyes as he rubbed my back. "Maybe there's a girl out there who doesn't want a house in the suburbs and her husband on the P.T.A. Maybe I could even find a girl cool enough to move onboard. I thought about that, you know? But then what, Nick?"

"Hey," he said, soft, getting it right away. "Me an' Murray can easy find some digs, you know? There's those apartments gone in three blocks back, or even Torrance -- "

"No," I said, gritting my teeth to hold back tears. "That isn't what I want. Don't sit there and talk about leaving me here on my own like it's okay, like it would be easy for you. Don't say that, buddy, because I need that not to be true, okay?"

"Cody," Nick said, and put his arm around me. "Take it easy. Huh? How much did you drink at Straightaway's, anyhow?"

"I'm not drunk." I dashed my hand across my eyes, losing the battle. "Do you want that? Because if you do, it's okay. That's not what I meant. I mean -- "

"Shut up," Nick said finally. He'd been saying that a lot lately, seemed like. "Stop it, all right? I dunno what's going on in your head, but get one thing straight. You're my partner, and the place I belong is right here, with you. An' that's true until you tell me different, all right? You understand me?"

"I know. I do." And I did. "But what about you? You're looking for a lady, too, and I'm not gonna stand in your way."

"So I dunno if you noticed how it turned out with my last girlfriend, big guy. You know?" Nick took a long swallow of beer and half-turned to face me. "And even if it hadn't gone the way it did, all along, I knew it was a fairytale. You think I'm the one wanting to try out for the P.T.A? Can you see it, huh?"

I blinked the tears away and leaned into him, looking away. Picked at the label on my beer. "You'd be an awesome dad," I said.

"I don't know. Never had much a role model, you know? Seems to me the way I do it, sending money to support those kids… kind of like alimony, only cheaper and I don't gotta deal with an ex-wife. Cut to the chase, you know?"

"Jesus, Nick." I sat up, managed to look him in the face at that. I didn't really think he thought of his Cambodian sponsor-kids like that. In fact, I knew what he was really doing was easing the pain of the orphans we'd passed by -- sometimes made -- on a daily basis in Vietnam. That was the reason he'd never told me about it, not until Chin Lee showed up at the boat.

"Listen, man. You said if you had to give up the boat, you'd soonest go back to the army. That resonates with me, you know? I been thinking, and if we lost this, if you didn't want to work with me anymore, live with me, I'd go right back."

"Really?" I reached out, squeezed his leg. "After everything?"

"I got out because you wanted out," he said simply, and put his hand over mine. "I came to California because you did. I live on this goddamn boat because it's your dream, and I'm a private detective because you got a wild idea. You know?"

Bald like that, you might think Nick was hating on the whole idea, letting me know in no uncertain terms I'd fucked up his dream of being a career soldier. Only it so happened I knew him better than that.

"You woulda stayed in if we hadn't been partners?" was what I asked.

"Yeah," he said, and coughed. 

I looked again, unsurprised to see tears on his cheeks. "You woulda made it on your own, big guy. You're a great mechanic, you could'a still got Mimi, made a go of flying her for cash."

"Yeah," he said hollowly. "I could've. But I wouldn't have, not without you. There wouldn't have been any point. You know?"

I knew. I spent 1975 trying to find any meaning in this life without Nick at my side, and the less said about that, the better.

"I think it's time to admit the American dream's not for me," I said, quiet. "Even if my soulmate's out there someplace, I don't want her to come knocking."

"Yeah," Nick said, and rubbed his eyes. Then he patted my shoulder. "I'm gonna turn in, you know? You coming, or you going back to find Barbara?"

I watched, frowning, as my partner got up and went below.

"Weren't you listening, buddy?" I got up and headed downstairs in his wake. "I'm not going there anymore."

"If you're not looking for something serious, you can get your kicks wherever you like," he countered, tossing his shirt at the closet and pulling sweats from a drawer. He glanced at me, then away. "Like I said, I thought you and Barbara were getting on fine."

I sighed and dropped on my bunk. "When you put it like that, I guess you have a point. But I'm not in the mood, and -- intimacy takes energy, Nick. Making conversation with her just made me tired."

"Maybe you're coming down with the flu," he said, but he looked at me this time, grinned. 

I grinned back and pulled off my own shirt, went for my own sweats. "I'll count on you to be looking after me then, huh?"

"Barbara," Nick said, "is a nurse." And he got into bed.

I stared at him for a moment. Something had shifted between us, and I didn't quite get it. "Huh," I said. "I thought she was a ballet teacher." I followed his example, and clicked off the light.

"That was Angelique," Nick said, and I could hear amusement and affection in his voice. Both were reassuring. We're best friends, close friends, even intimate friends, but we're not much for deep and meaningfuls. Go figure.

"Huh," I said again. "Think she'd do a pas de deux?" Yeah, I don't know how to pronounce it and neither does he. It means something else where we come from, anyhow.

"Oh, really?" He sounded interested, and that was interesting in itself. Close as we are, we've never shared a lady. "Never figured you'd wanna try something like that."

"Maybe," I hedged, and turned on my side to face him. "Just something that came into my head." It was dark, but not so dark that I couldn't see him turn so he was looking at me. Although I couldn't see the expression on his face.

"I used to watch you," he said. "Way back, when you and Tina had that thing going. When you'd take her downstairs, I'd follow."

I just lay there. Back then, when it was just the two of us on board, we'd lived down here, shared this cabin just like we do now, but if one of us had a lady aboard, we'd used the forward cabin - Murray's cabin, now. It doesn't have a bunk or any built-ins, but it was perfect for a big mattress and a beer crate as a nightstand.

"Cody?" he said, sounding uncertain. "Sorry, you know? I never meant for you to know, but then when you said…" He broke off. 

"Yeah," I said. I'm supposed to be the one that's great with words, but you try hearing that from your best friend and coming up with an answer. Any kind of answer.

Maybe I was supposed to be angry, or weirded out. It sounded like he thought I would be. But I was intrigued, maybe a little confused. This guy's held me while I bled, while I cried, let me puke on his shoes. We've stood watch for each other at the most personal moments -- I guess the big difference was he'd made a choice to watch. "Why?" I said at last.

"The first time was kind of an accident," he said slowly. "I went to bed and fell asleep, only you yelled. I guess she tickled you or something, you know, but I woke up to you shouting and I was in the galley before I really thought it out. And then I could hear - you know - and I should'a just turned around, but I didn't."

That made sense. You wake up to your partner yelling, you're on point. That's never changed, and I don't think it ever will. It's one of the reasons we've always shared -- backup. "I get it," I said. "I would'a done the same."

"You would'a watched her blow me?" he asked, and I could hear something under the amusement, an undercurrent of… something. Something I wanted to know more about.

"Maybe," I said, and rolled on my back. "That would'a been something."

"It was something, all right," he said. "There you were, all pale in the moonlight under those portholes, glowing like some kinda god, you know? And she was making you dance, making you sweat, an' you were making these little soft moans like you wanted to scream but knew that'd get you shot… man, I nearly walked in and asked for a piece of the action, you know?"

I was hard. Unplanned, unbidden, but undeniable, listening to my partner talk about me that way had gone straight to my cock. I gripped it at the base, swallowed a moan, and heard Nick's breath catch.

"Yeah," he said, low, husky. "That was the sound you made."

I couldn't speak. My cock throbbed in my hand, my partner was inches away, and I was gonna come. I squeezed, trying to hold back, trying not to make a sound.

"The next time she came over, I just found myself in the galley. Told myself I wanted a glass of milk, a cookie. Only you know, I found myself at the door. You were going at it, this time, and she was on her knees, I think. And man, I watched your ass pumping, I listened to you making that sweet little moan, and I came right in my jeans, you know?"

That was it. I bit off my scream as my seed spilled over my hand. I lay there, panting, and listened to my partner gasp his own release.

I was confused. I was still turned on. I was kinda scared, too, because despite - or because of - what had just happened I felt further away from him than I had in years. Most of the time I know exactly what's in his head, count on him to know what's going on with me -- but this time, we were off the chart, and I didn't even know if we were headed in the same direction.

I reached for the nightstand, pulled open the bottom drawer and tossed him one of the hand towels we keep there. Took one myself. Started cleaning up in stealth and silence, only he snapped on the light.

I snatched at the sheet, but couldn't tear my eyes from his hand gripping his shaft, teasing the last drops into the towel. Licked my lips as he rolled on his back and dried off his belly and thighs. He was still hard, cut and proud, with diamond drops of sweat or cum gleaming amid his thick black hair.

God help me.

He sat up, then, and gave me a smile which was part uncertain, part tease. "You okay, big guy? Need a hand?"

I didn't say anything. I could barely swallow. I'd seen him nude a thousand times, and never looked, not like this. He's not a big guy, Nick, but he's built, and it makes him look bigger than he is, stronger. 

Nick reached out, peeled back my sheet, took my towel from my limp hand. Wiped my thighs first, then pushed me on my back, pressed my knees apart. 

I put my hands over my eyes as he dried me off, hiding from him. But he knew - couldn't help but know - because as he touched me, I got hard all over again. He tossed the towel aside, gently gripped my cock, and when I lowered my hands at last, he was staring down at my groin, an expression of concentration on his face.

I arched up, just a little, pushing into his grip, and he raised his head to look me in the face.

"See something you like?" I dared softly, and thrust harder into his hand.

His eyes went dark, his expression went soft, and he stroked me - firm, gentle, hard, soft; I couldn't describe it, and I couldn't withstand it. I threw my forearm over my eyes, gripped the sheet with the other hand, drove up to meet him. Swallowed the noise I wanted to make, knowing, even as I did it, it was the sound he'd described.

It took less than a minute, and let me tell you, I ain't reloaded like that since before the war. I came so hard my balls ached, my gut ached, yet still I whimpered for more. He patted me dry and then sat, waiting, waiting for me to lower my arm. I knew he was waiting for me, but I wasn't ready -- didn't know if he was ready either -- so I hid a little longer. Until he huffed softly, got off my bunk and went back to his. Then he clicked off the light.

I lowered my arm, rolled toward him, raised up on my elbow. "Nick."

"You don't hav'ta want that," he said, hurrying, unsteady. "You know? Just forget it, okay?"

"Not gonna," I said, and sat up properly. "You think I'd do that to you?"

"I don't know," he said, voice going high and tight. "Ten minutes ago, didn't think I'd do that to you. You know?"

A hint of humor. A hint of fear. I got it -- it was a risk between us, because there was so much more than a good time on the line. But at the same time, if we couldn't trust each other, then what did we really have at all?

"Come back over here," I said slowly, "and gimme a do-over. Yeah?"

He laughed at that. "If you got a do-over in you, man, I sure got a lot to learn before we're gonna have any fun, you know?"

"We can start from where we left off," I said, cool. But when he laughed again, I did too. "C'mon, Nick. Give me a chance."

The bunk squeaked as he moved, and I rolled on my back, raised my arm to cover my eyes again. He didn't turn on the light, smart enough to leave me at least the illusion of hiding. He sat down beside me, laid a hand on my hip, inches from my cock, and I couldn't stop the way the breath hitched in my chest.

He tensed, then started stroking circles with his thumb on my skin. "Okay, Cody?" he asked softly. "Just let me know what you want from me, okay?"

"I thought I made that kinda obvious," I said, and lowered my arm. Hiding was all well and good, but Nick was as scared as I was, if not more so, and I wasn't being fair to him.

Nick grinned at that. "I guess you did. And it was fun, you know? But I wanna know if that's all there is, you understand?"

I swallowed, looked away. Sat up, scooting out from under his hand as I did so. Feeling naked, vulnerable, without his touch, I shot him a look, and he hesitated an instant then shifted to lean against the wall, and put his hand back on my thigh.

He wasn't looking right at me anymore, and that made it easier. You can bet he knew that, just like he knew I needed him to touch me. "I don't want this to be a one-time thing," I said, looking down at his hand. 

"I knew that much already," Nick said patiently. "Otherwise I'd still be in my own bunk, and you'd be back at Straightaway's doing twirls with Barbara. That's not what I'm asking, you know?"

I blinked, stunned at how accurate he was. Stunned at how well he knew me. "Uh, yeah," I agreed, because there was nothing else to say. "Um. Sorry."

"What for?" Nick sounded puzzled.

"Because you're right, I would'a done that to you if -- if I'd freaked out. And that wouldn't have been fair."

"You're an idiot," Nick said, and rubbed my leg. "You're still here, aren't you?"

"I suppose so." I risked looking at him, and found him smiling at me. I looked away again. "I think you oughtta forget it, Nick. I don't know if I can do this."

"Not gonna happen." Nick reached out, grabbed me, and pulled me back down on the bed. One minute I was resisting; the next he had me pinned, flat on my back, arms above my head.

Then he straddled me, naked ass and groin against my hips, against my cock, and I felt my eyes rolling back in my head.

"Listen," he said, and I managed to focus. He was staring down at me, part tender, part annoyed -- I had no problem interpreting that one, I think he keeps it just for me. "You been my partner fourteen years. No way I'm forgetting anything, d'you get that? You don't want it, that's one thing. But it ain't too hard, and it ain't something I'll walk away from, you know?"

It wasn't the first time I'd asked him to give up on me, and it wasn't the first time he'd refused. "Scared I'll hurt you," I muttered, and turned my head, closed my eyes.

He released my arms, getting it, but instead of covering my face I reached up, grabbed him around the shoulders, pulled him down, pulled myself up.

"Okay," Nick said softly, settling on the bed beside me and putting his arms around me. "The way I see it, we got a shot at this, you know? Hell, we made it fourteen years already. And this -- it just makes it sweeter. It doesn’t need to change anything, you know?"

“You’re kidding, right?" I leaned back, safe in his arms, and looked him in the face. "It changes everything."

"Tell me how?” The fucker had the cheek to grin. “C’mon, Cody, what? You saying you feel different about me now than you did an hour ago? Or maybe you think I feel different about you?"

He had a point. I stared at him for a while, then tucked my head down against his shoulder. "I never got hard looking at you before."

"Then I guess I’m lucky you’re a quick study," he said lazily, and kissed my hair. I shivered and raised my head again, and like I thought he would, this time he kissed me on the mouth.

Spent or not, I was hard again, and aching right through my center. "Nick," I said, when he broke the kiss, but didn’t have breath or words for more.

"We could talk this to death," he murmured, "but I got something else I wanna do with my mouth, you know?"

He kissed me again, and innocent as I was, that's what I thought he meant. Then he pinned my hips, shoved my legs apart, and showed me exactly what he was talking about.

I'd had my share of blowjobs before, don't get me wrong. But no girl had ever shoved a finger up my ass, squeezed my balls just so, and swallowed me down like I was gonna be eaten alive.

In the middle of the night, I woke, wrung out, still in his arms. He'd taken everything I had and more, and I was shattered, broken. Also kind of sticky, and my balls throbbed. I sat up shakily and looked down at him, still sleeping.

He looked content, replete. I sighed. Part of me was scared, angry. It had happened fast, and I wasn't ready, I didn't want it. I didn't want to be gay, I didn't want to give up women, truly give up on a family.

But I loved Nick, and he was damn right, it wasn't something new. I didn't want a wife, a family, not if it meant losing him. 

And no woman, no fantasy, had ever made me feel the way Nick had - first with words, then with touch. It had never been like that, and I had more than an inkling it never would be again -- except with him.

"Stop it, Cody," he said, without opening his eyes. 

I rested my hand on his chest. He was sticky, too, and I grinned despite myself. "I was thinking I should take a shower. Only make that we."

"You were thinking you should get a girlfriend," he said, opening his eyes and propping himself on his elbow. "But here's the thing. Chicks get kind of antsy when their guy's balling his best friend. And you look me in the eye, right now, and tell me you're gonna turn me down next time I wanna blow you. Can you do that, huh?"

That turned me hot and cold and hot again, all over. I blushed, looked down, looked back. "No," I said, and leaned in. It was the first kiss I'd initiated, and I made a hash of it, but he pulled me close, hugged me hard, kissed me four more times. Maybe it was five.

By morning, I'd come twice more, sucked his balls and swallowed his come, and any way you looked at it, I was hooked. I was his and he was mine, and I couldn't wait to get the boat out to deep water someplace we couldn't be disturbed. For a month, if we could swing it.

"Hey, Nick? Hasn't Murray been talking about a robotics conference? In Japan or someplace?"

"Kyoto. Yeah. I like the way you think, man." Nick's eyes twinkled, and he leaned in and kissed me. "But I think it's a month away."

I groaned. "How are we gonna wait a month?"

"We're not," he said, taking another kiss. This time I didn't get hard. I don't think I could've, not if my life depended on it. Instead I curled in close, and kissed him a few more times. "I've waited enough years for you," he murmured, holding me tight. "I got you now, and if you think a little thing like a roommate's getting in the way, you got another think coming. You know?"

"Years?" I asked, hanging onto him like I was drowning. Maybe I was. I'd loved him forever, but I hadn't known -- not that he was the one, not that he held my heart and soul.

"Years," he said, and grinned. "Idiot. You wanted a wife. I wanted you. I always hoped there was maybe a compromise in there somewhere."

"I never wanted a wife more than I needed you," I told him, leaning in. "You know that, right?"

"Yeah. That's why I never stopped hoping." He kissed my hair, my forehead, my lips. "I never wanted anything more than I wanted you, baby. And now I got you, and I'm never gonna let you go. You got that?"

My aching balls did their level best to get my cock to salute the sentiment, but there was nothing doing. I contented myself with kissing Nick's jaw and snuggling in tight, ready for another nap. "I got it, big guy," I muttered, and I did.

He was my rock. He always had been. And now he always would be.

"Guys? Guys! Angelique's car won't start and I -- that is, Nick, is Nick there? Cody?"

Nick made it out of the bunk in time to intercept Murray as he opened our door. "Yeah, Boz, I'm here. Gimme a second, okay? I'll be right up."

"Oh, thanks, Nick. She thinks the battery's flat -- I tried jumping it but I guess the Jimmy's acting up."

I put my palm to my forehead and groaned. "My car!"

Nick didn't even bother rolling his eyes, just laughed. Bastard. 

"I'll be there in a second, okay, Murray? Just don't try anything else til I get there, you know?"

"Okay! Thanks, Nick!" Murray's feet clattered on the stairs and he called out for Angelique.

Nick closed the door, turned back and kissed me. "Take a shower," he advised, "if those two have screwed the battery in the Jimmy we'll need to take a trip to town, you know?"

I groaned, partly at the likely carnage awaiting us on the pier, partly at the sweetness of his mouth. His knowing grin said he knew -- the way he kissed me next said he was an asshole. Yeah, not news. 

"Jesus," I said, and grabbed him.

"Uh-uh. I don't get upstairs in five minutes, the pier will be on fire. And also Murray won't get a second date, and neither of us want to deal with that, you know?"

I sat back reluctantly and watched as he hauled on his jeans. "Hurry," I said, and got out of bed. "I might even leave you some hot water."

Nick shoved me back against the wall, kissed me so hard I thought I'd melt, squeezed my ass, squeezed my balls. Stroked me, light and sweet, until I was hard again and the wall was the only thing keeping me vertical.

"Don't bother," he whispered in my ear, breaking the kiss at last. "If we gotta go to town, I need a cold shower, you know?"

I didn't take a shower. Instead, I lay down on my bunk and thought about the night, thought about him. Thought about his hands, his mouth. Held, close and sweet, his promise as he'd left the room -- that he wanted me so much, that I made him hot enough to need a cold shower.

I've been around the block, sure. Women have told me I'm hot, that they want me. No-one's ever looked at me like they're hungry, touched me like they couldn't bear to stop. Not until last night.

He came back down cheerful, muttering about loose wires, and also about joining Murray and Angelique at Straightaway's, which meant getting up. Just like any Saturday. Like nothing had changed. 

But he kissed me again first, and held me close in the shower, slapped my ass when I finally managed to put my gray jeans on, and held up my black turtleneck to cover the bite mark I didn't know I had. 

I was right. Something had changed. I took another kiss, and took the opportunity to grab his ass as he went up the stairs ahead of me.

Somehow, I didn't think it was gonna be a problem.


End file.
